Article by: Ethan Long
Hey kids. Welcome to college. What can I say? It’s great to be here. Here are a few observations I have that I just want to help you understand, since most of you will probably learn about these things within the first few weeks here. Some of them have to do with the University itself, while some go off-campus and into the actual city of Boston.
Some of you may have made your decision based on the location of the school. You may have been accepted into schools with higher name-recognition, but chose Suffolk due to the fact that it was in Boston, home to Daisuke Matsuzaka, Rajon Rondo, and Ben Affleck, all great athletes. This was a good idea on your part, because to tell you the truth, this city rocks. It’s full of culture, knowledge, as well as the things we love most: social events. But yeah, this city is great, and I urge you guys to make it your own. Take control of the city; discover what it has to offer.
Now, the first thing I need to tell you is, yes, that scruffy looking man is homeless and he is indeed asking in a graspy voice if you have any change. Don’t worry, other than the fact that he was arrested once, he’s perfectly harmless and he even made a couple appearances on Fox 25. His name is Spare Change Guy, AKA John Bubier. From what I’ve collected from the Internet, he’s divorced, supported by his wife who lives off of the Red Line. Now, remember that this is the Internet, so there is a good chance none of that is correct, but then again why would you cross the same thing that gave us videos of ninja bears?
Also, as you’ll soon learn, the elevators in the dorms and most other buildings are pretty hard to use, especially when there are a lot of people waiting for them. Take the stairs. Trust me, it’s good practice for the stairs you’ll have to walk up once you move to Beacon Hill or the North End. Oh yeah, that’s another thing: don’t mess around in those neighborhoods. Our right to live there is just as equal as the non-students who live there as well. They complain about us being up at night, and I complain the construction they wake me up with in the morning.
Here are a few other things for you out-of-towners, which I once was. First off, you’ll soon be enjoying hanging out on the roof overlooking historical locations such as the Old North Church, Paul Revere’s House, and Jobi Liquors. Don’t freak out.
Also, Sam Adams wasn’t a good brewer. Apparently he sucked. However, the brewing company did name themselves after him, and he is actually buried steps from our campus. Also buried there is the biggest phallic joke in American history, John Hancock’s grave. Just go look at it and read the engraving, and you’ll get it.
Other things that are located just steps away from the campus are tourist destinations like Faneuil Hall, Quincy Market, Newbury Street, and Chinatown. Even the North End becomes a tourist attraction during the warmer months. Don’t kid yourself, you’ll never learn to accept tourists. They’re slow, they block the road, and they think Mike’s Pastry is the best bakery in the North End because the travel websites say it is. Seriously, Modern Pastry is across the street and it doesn’t even have a fraction of the line that Mike’s usually has.
You guys should really look up student discounts as well. Some of those super-expensive Italian restaurants in the North End, which you only go to when your parents are in town, actually have some pretty sweet discounts for those carrying college I.D.s.
Catch me in the fall as I prove to America that Paul is dead.
